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Darling, I was tired. Beyond tired.
Flat on my face, rock-bottom-crying, too depressed and anxious-about-everything tired.
Nothing excited me. The light within me felt small.
I couldn't move a muscle so I laid there, bare and broken.
I spent a lot of my life trying to stay afloat. It was important to keep myself together - perfect and good but on the inside I was crying out for help.
Have you ever felt this way?
I wasn't happy with who I was anymore so I made a decision.
The thing they don't tell you about therapy is that you may have to go through a few therapists to get to your therapist. I'd gone to a few in the past. Each left me feeling not heard with no clear treatment plans and after a few tries I put therapy to the side.
In 2018 I decided to try again. I had to tell myself that it wasn't my fault for not finding the right therapist for me.
Then, I finally found one.
She listened. She validated. She pushed me and supported me. What a feeling of relief.
Maaaan, the eye-opening revelations.
I learned that I was deserving of all the good things life had to offer. Also, I didn't have to have it all together - perfection came from people pleasing - something I was taught - and it wasn't my fault.
My part was simply-not simply doing the work. The type of work that would crack my soul wide open; wading through the muck of my past. I made friends with my fears and some I released into the air.
This self-work is not easy. I repeat. It is NOT a walk in the park. But it's necessary, to get to the other side.
My life depended on it, you know. I was healing for the generations past. I was healing for my mother, my sister and my father. I did it for the rest of my beautiful family - being an inspiration for them. Only an inspiration because as a recovering people pleaser I learned that you can't change others.
Here's a few more gems I've learned and worked through:
- Happiness is the choice you make: you are one decision away from the life you want to live. Listen, I know how scary it can be but you are so so so deserving of living a life you are proud of. One where you can look back and say I'm so proud I did the work. So change my dear, requires you to make a choice.
- You are not your mistakes: This was another difficult one for me. Every mistake I made was another reason to feel bad about myself. I learned the art of making myself feel bad for my and not my own mistakes and subsequently told myself that I was a bad bad person - one who need to be punished. Separating the two was necessary for my growth. I no longer wade in the tears of my mistakes. Which leads me to number 3.
- Give yourself compassion and grace: Be gentle with yourself darling. We can't get everything perfect. I don't think we need to get everything perfect. Give yourself the grace for all your regrets. Soothe yourself with compassion. You're human and growing.
- Release the need to be liked: I wanted badly to belong. I was the queen of people pleasing. Everything was "no problem". This kept me stuck, resentful and tired. You may also find yourself feeling lost - not knowing who you truly are. This is when you get clear about who you are and welcome the true you to be revealed, to you! The need to be liked also comes from not feeling safe in your childhood. The time has come to stop abandoning and betraying yourself for others.
I pray these opened up the doors to your heart, to heal and continue healing.
- So where have I been? I've been crying, laughing, sleeping, dancing, soothing bodily pains, going to a lot of doctor visits, eating and not eating, screaming, praying, meditating, doing some amazing breath work and more.
But I've been here, doing the work in the background for my healing.
Thank you so so much for reading this far.
Sending you light energy today