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What happened

 

I was tired.

 

Beyond tired.

Flat on my face, rock-bottom-crying, too depressed and anxious-about-everything tired. 

 

***

I spent a lot of time in America trying to stay afloat. It was important that I kept this Caribbean woman together - doing everything I needed to do - to be perfect and good. Yet, I was crying out for help, silently. 

 

I ran my business with so much pain in my body. But it was the only good thing I had - the only thing that made me feel worthy in this world. The thing I couldn't fail at. It kept me from sinking - after all,  the things outside of me were more important than me.  

 

 ***

There's a line that I say often: Happiness is the choice you make. I believe it was Iyanla Vanzant who said it, but don't quote me on that.

I wasn't happy with who I was anymore. My thoughts made me so tired; my nervous system dysregulated. Anxiety at a constant high and I wasn't clear about who I was.  

 

so one day, I made a decision

 

***

Therapy

The thing they don't tell you about therapy is that you may have to go through quite a few therapists to get to yours.

I'd gone to a few in the early 2000s and each session left me feeling not heard. There were no clear treatment plans with the therapists I saw and after several tries I put therapy to the side. 

In 2018, I decided to try again.

I was determined to find mine. 

Then finally, I found one.

 

She listened to me. She validated me. She pushed me and supported me. 

I really needed it, you know?  

I learned that I am deserving of all the good things life had to offer and that I don't have to have it all together. I discovered that my obsession with perfection came from people pleasing - something I was taught in childhood - something that wasn't my fault. 

 

My part was doing the work. The type of work that would crack my soul wide open. Doing the work required me to wade through the muck of my past and to make friends with my fears. 

This self-work is not easy. I repeat. 

This self-work is not easy.

It is NOT a walk in the park. It's NOT for the faint of heart. But it's necessary, to get to the other side. It's necessary, to live the life you so desire. 

And my life depended on it.

 

***

I was healing for the generations past. I was healing for my family - being an inspiration for them. Only an inspiration because as a recovering people pleaser I learned that you cannot change others. And most importantly, I was healing for me - healing from the inside out - loving me, properly. 

 

Here's a few more gems I've learned and worked through: 

 

1. Happiness is the choice you make: you are one decision away from the life you want to live. Listen, I know how scary it can be but you are so so so deserving of living a life you are proud of. One where you can look back and say I'm so proud I did the work. So change my dear, requires you to make a choice. 
2. You are not your mistakes: This was another difficult one for me. Every mistake I made was another reason to feel bad about myself. I learned the art of making myself feel bad for my and not my own mistakes and subsequently told myself that I was a bad bad person. Separating the two was necessary for my growth. I'm a human being who makes mistakes from time to time and that's okay - I am also not a mistake. I no longer doggy paddle in the tears of my mistakes. Which leads me to number 3. 
3. Give yourself compassion and grace: Be gentle with yourself darling. We can't get everything perfect. I don't think we need to get everything perfect. Give yourself the grace for all your regrets. Soothe yourself with compassion. You're human and growing. 
4. Release the need to be liked: I wanted badly to belong. I was the queen of people pleasing. Everything was "no problem" and "Sure". This kept me stuck, resentful and tired. You may also find yourself feeling lost - not knowing who you truly are. This is when you get clear about who you are and welcome the true you to be revealed, to you! Different healing modalities can assist in this. The need to be liked also comes from not feeling safe in your childhood. Acts like havening, talk therapy and affirming self (to name a few) can help you feel safe in your body.

 

The time has come to stop abandoning and betraying yourself for others. It's time to wash your body from head to toe with compassion, to sit in the present moment and feel the air around you, to do something new. To bet on you! You'll never go wrong. 

  

• So where have I been? I've been crying, laughing, sleeping, dancing, watering my plants, soothing bodily pains, going to a lot of doctor visits, eating and not eating, screaming, praying, meditating, havening, doing some amazing breath work and more. Doing the work in the background for my healing.  It's been difficult but so worth it. I'm loving on me finally by giving myself the rest support and care I deserve - first and foremost. 

 

Thank you so so much for reading this far and for your understanding. I appreciate you. Know that you are worthy of so much goodness and deep healing. 

Sending you light energy today.